Month: August 2023

I think I started losing myself again in June…

One of the biggest issues with having BPD revolves around change. And honestly, this includes ANY kind of change, but for me it tends to revolve around routines. I think that for the most part people without mental health issues view changes in their routines as seemingly insignificant, tolerable, maybe slightly inconvenient… However, my mind fucking spirals when my habits and patterns become skewed.

In spring a close friend of mine moved away, not far, but far enough that meeting up wasn’t as easy. Yes, some of my daily routines, past times, and work life changed, but I was doing okay. I did worry that communication was going to change as well, but it really didn’t too much and I’ve been adapting to the best of my ability. Around that time I also lost my doctor to retirement (like good for her, but bad for me) who I trusted. If you have mental health issues, you understand how fucked it can be trying to find a provider that you trust and doesn’t make you feel like you just need more sunlight or whatever. But then in the end of June I lost a friend to well… the afterlife. She was 99 and on hospice though so I mean it wasn’t unexpected. I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye and I truly felt at peace about it (And think I still am). Yet… these are all events are changes, some bigger than others, but changes nonetheless. So since spring I have been hyper-focused on death, changes, and losing the people around me to the point that I’ve begun to lose myself.

So now, I can see that I have apparently spiraled once more due to my inability to tolerate changes. The equation for the spiral begins with change, which leads to overwhelming anxiety, which then leads to non-suicidal depression, which then leads to self-hate, which inevitably leads to a series of self-sabotage techniques (which I have perfected). And here I am. Again.

I had a reality check this weekend and realized how much I have begun to self-sabotage myself again. I’m doing things that “normal” people would probably be moderately concerned about and that I should’ve been able to recognize as unhealthy. Most are small things… just things to boost my serotonin levels even for a bit… but all these little things have added up into piles of bullshit. Bad habits, negative thought processes, irrationality, sadness, paranoia, insomnia, self-harm, etc. But the WORST PART is that I’m looking to others to make myself feel better and distract me which is never okay. It’s just not fair to myself or others.
I KNOW how to make myself happy and actually deal with issues in a healthy way. I KNOW how to make my mindset better and what I should be doing. I KNOW I need a medication adjustment too (in process) because you can’t fix chemical imbalances with mediation and hobbies… sorry but you just fucking can’t. I KNOW what to do, but it’s like I’m completely ignorant and unaware of how bad things are until they get to this point. I keep thinking I’m completely self-aware of issues, but honestly unless someone really brings it to my attention, I’m only like half self-aware. Which isn’t super.

So yeah… here I sit… bitch-slapped by reality. Which honestly is okay. I’ve been through WAY WAY worse, but this still isn’t great. However, I do think that between this realization, some positive changes, reaching out for help, and a new med I’ll be doing okay again. Possibly even great. Who really knows… But at least I’m 100% aware now.

That’s it. That’s all I got.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.

-Hal