May 2023 – Anonymously Hal

“Happiness”

I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.

I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.

Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.

It’s kind of funny though…

I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…

Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.

-Hal

May 31, 2023 by Anonymously Hal Categories: My ThoughtsTags: anxiety, BPD, depression, fucked, Happy, Me, Mental, Thoughts

Graffiti Park 2

May 29, 2023 by Anonymously Hal Categories: My PicturesTags: Graffiti, Photography, San Antonio, Texas 7 Comments

Carrots

You use words as carrots 
to dangle in front of my face, 
But my memory recalls 
that they hide a bitter taste. 

All your tricks and temptations 
fly as red flags in my mind, 
So I will not entertain a relationship 
that's been fucked so many times.

May 28, 2023 by Anonymously Hal Categories: My PoetryTags: Fuck off, Fuck you, Narcissist, Poetry, Your carrots taste like shit 12 Comments

The scent of you lingers 
between each strand 
of my tousled 
blonde hair... 
  
It clings to me faintly  
and embraces me softly 
as if you are still 
right there.

May 13, 2023 by Anonymously Hal Categories: My PoetryTags: Lingering, Poetry 4 Comments

Loud

My head is loud... 

It never stops, 
It never quiets. 
It only screams, 
It only riots. 

It's against serenity, 
It's against contentment. 
It wants anxiety, 
It wants resentment. 

My head is loud. 
My mind is angry. 
 
My ears are deafened. 
My eyes stare blankly.