Parked

For twenty seconds 
I parked on the tracks. 

Even without a train in sight 
I felt my mortality being threatened, vulnerable and exposed between 
those oxidized iron rails. 

My mind, 
pulsating with adrenaline, 
screamed at me to move 
from the precipice of danger 
with each ragged breath. 

Yet for twenty selfish seconds 
I kept myself there.  

Stagnant and stupid. 

Wide-eyed and white-knuckled.
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Thorns

Thoughts become embedded 
into my brain like thorns. 

They bury their sharp edges 
deep into the vulnerable seams 
of my subconscious, 
silently smirking at their inability 
to be removed. 

Over time I forget about them 
as they lie there quietly, 
dormant in their watchful wait. 

Their presence swiftly returning 
the second my mind 
starts to stir.
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Words

Words have a lasting impact, 
even the most seemingly insignificant ones. 

Simple sentences morph into occult scars 
that radiate with permanence and persistence within our heads. 
Intrusive echoes left to remind us 
of days long past and moments long gone. 

Mere words become our 
blessings and burdens. 

Easily spoken, 
yet impossible to forget.
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Wasting Water

Tonight the anxiety has come without cause. My head is loud, I can’t focus, I’m nauseated and nervous for no real reason. At least not one I can pinpoint.

I probably should eat, turn on something with sound, do anything besides ruminate on the million miniscule issues I’ve created in my head.

I need to relax, but I’m like the least relaxed person that I know… My head is just too active I think. I can imagine that when I’m like this the synapses in my brain are just firing off at an unfathomable speed. It’s literally everything and nothing running though my mind all at the same time.

I’m breathing. Typing. Fan is fucking whirling. The sink is on for white noise. But now I’m just wasting water. Water is precious. Isn’t California in a drought? Someones got to be in a drought. I’m a fucking asshole. I should turn off the damn water…

There’s a prime example of my intrusive, rambling thoughts.

Endless. Pointless. Basically stupid.

Should I keep this in my drafts? Probably. But why do I care? I don’t. So post it. Read it tomorrow. Get a laugh out of it. Maybe someone will giggle. Shit… I’ll at least enjoy it tomorrow when my head has mellowed.

I do feel better now. My odd narratives usually make me quite happy. I’m going to eat now. 🙂

-Hal

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Retellings

Sometimes you begin to tell me a story that you've already told me, but I let you continue. 

I just nod, smiling, appearing as though everything you're telling me is brand new. Yet if I'm being honest, I don't truly listen to the words. I listen just enough so that I seem attentive, I keep my responses bland and short. 

However, I use those times to study you, encapsulate your voice, absorb all your mannerisms and expressions. I watch the way you create each syllable rather than hear the meaning behind them. I focus on everything about you except the content of your speech. 

For those precious moments I will never stop you from retelling me your story. 

I'm simply grateful to be able to hear you tell them to me twice.
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Personal Reminder

So I’ve been off of work for the last month recovering from a surgery and damn… it’s been a good reset. I usually work nightshift and was able to see the sun daily and actually be productive in my home life. I also was able to visit and spend time with the people in my life that I love dearly.

In all honesty I’ve been pretty shitty with making an effort to see people in person the last year. I apparently have developed some anxiety with breaking my schedule/routines and leaving the house in general. I used to be more social, but especially since COVID I’ve found reasons not to see people. This month has reminded me how important it is to follow through with plans and make an effort to spend time with the people in my life. I regret the amount of time I’ve spent in the last year avoiding social outings and missing parties. I need to be better. To do better.

I want my nephews to know who I am. I want to make more memories with my grandparents. I want to spend time with my amazing husband and spend hours hanging out with him. I want to bond with my brother-in-law so he remembers how fucking awesome I am after he eventually moves out. 🙂
I want the people in my life to know how important they are to me before they’re gone. I don’t want to be anti-social and sleeping all the time because my schedule is so wacked out. I need to be better at flipping my schedule on my off days so my mental health improves. I don’t think I’ve had one suicidal/majorly depressive thought in the last month which is fucking impressive for me.

This last month has been a blessing. This is my personal reminder to put forth the effort into my relationships and to remember how lucky I am to have my friends and family. Also to see the fucking sun… low vitamin D levels aren’t a joking matter (thanks mom).

Tomorrow I go back to work… and it will continue to be okay.

-Hal

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