The secrets we shared were unprecedented... Simple words surrendered to actionable power.
The secrets we shared helped relieve us of our solitude... But then yours became mine, and mine became yours... And we could no longer remember whose was whose.
Secrets, sentiments, stories, and lies... You speak only bullshit to get between thighs...
All those little things
you left behind
are now my
The lost, lonely artifacts of us,
now only meaningful to me.
locked me out
You hid it
right in front
Rusted metal and frosted glass
stained with my inner desires.
and packed away…
Stored with the rest
made me feel temporarily invincible.
made me feel permanently suffocated.
made me feel breathtakingly free.
Tonight doesn’t feel like a poetry kind of night…
It feels like a thinking/venting night and fuck… have I been thinking and wanting to vent it out. This week… lord has it been a week. Honestly… it’s been a beautiful disaster of a seven day stretch and I feel as if I’ve somehow done a year’s worth of learning/growing.
First, I lost my best friend (and that basically shattered me). Second, my biggest/worst fucking secret in the world, which I held precariously for years, came to light (and that turned my shatters into dust). Third, the secret ended up not being a secret like I thought (and then complete confusion consumed my said dust particles). Fourth… I learned not to tell my secrets to anyone besides my fucking cats (who don’t know more than ten words of fucking English anyways).
So I’ll break it down into a cute little list of things I learned and discovered this week:
- Sometimes I have to be strong for just myself (not others).
- What is meant to be is what is meant to be (good or not).
- I cannot change the past (no matter how hard I think I can).
- Time machines are not a fucking real thing (thanks Google for the unrealistic blueprints).
- Secrets always come out (no matter what you do to hide the trails).
- Don’t drink alcohol and tell those secrets (then those secrets are then just general information).
- Don’t get a low blood sugar at work from skipping meals (you will get sick at work, look really dumb, and have eight co-worker nurses stabbing you with needles).
- I really really really miss my best friend (A LOT).
- My cats are the most adorable things on the planet (besides otters… I really love otters).
- I’m going to grow up and be a recluse cat lady (95% likely).
All in all, it’s been a depressing yet gratifying week. Although, I would have appreciated all these events to be in separate weeks… but maybe next time.
P.S. Thank you everyone for keeping me going this week with all the positive comments and love. It means more than you can imagine. ❤ Hal
From the Beginning
So, here you are again. Reading my writing and personal thoughts. Now that I somehow turned you onto this… I’ll start from the beginning.
It’s a bit depressing, growing up fat. Well… obese. There. Fucking said it. I had always been the fat kid. Never the first picked for anything. Always the odd one out. Self-conscious and hating every bit of myself. Bullying and my anxiety/depression gave me reasons to eat my feelings. But, you don’t want to hear this sob story and honestly… I don’t necessarily want to explain it. So long story short, by the time I was eighteen I weighed a shit -load (280 lbs of shit).
I remember realizing one day, looking in my mirror, staring at my rolls, that I was much fatter than I thought I was. I was disgusted with what I had become and slowly decided to change my fucked up habits. Eventually, those new less fucked up habits led to the scale dropping. Fast forward a couple years >> 140 lbs of shit lost. Yup. I am literally now half of what I was.
You’re reading this and probably thinking the same bullshit as everyone else. It usually goes like this… “Wow. You’re an inspiration.” OR “I can’t imagine you ever being that big.” OR “You look so beautiful now.” You know what though? I’m sitting here… another night… listening to these crickets outside… thinking to myself… thinking about you reading these words. I want you to know that there’s more than meets the eye.
Yes. I am more confident (even with this loose skin that is a daily reminder of the fucked up position I put my body in). I do get noticed by horny fuckers now. I do get told I’m beautiful by someone on a daily basis. However, I am not perfect. I have secrets. You will learn these secrets. You will be sitting behind you’re computer screen, drinking your coffee, pushing your glasses farther up your nose to find out these secrets. And… I will let you.