I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.

If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.

To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉

Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.

I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.

I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…

I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.



It's just a powder... 

White Pressed 
and covered 
in an enteric-coated 

Altering my mind 
while chemically 
convincing me 
I'm well. 

Branded to fix 
all the dopamine 
and serotonin... 

In lieu of my 
over-indulgence of 
caffeine and melatonin. 

Side effects may include 
suicidal thoughts 
and/or actions... 

But misery also 
holds a certain level 
of attraction. 

Where To Begin…

My emotions are erratic, 
and hard to understand... 
And my head overflows 
with ideas and unfulfilled plans. 

My perceptions are complicated 
and haphazardly skewed... 
With a reality warped 
and questionably construed... 

My memories are my past 
but somehow still in my present... 
And honestly in the morning 
I'm just fucking unpleasant. 

My mentality is borderline 
of being clinically insane... 
But truthfully my flaws 
make me never want to change. 

1/4 Life Crisis

So… I haven’t just written and vented for awhile.
Lately it’s been hitting me more and more that I need to make a decision with my life.
The decision being “kids”.

I keep questioning my purpose in the world. Am I really meant to procreate?
Or is being childless best for my mental and physical health?

Basically I’m having a fucking quarter-life crisis on the daily at this point and I’m terrified.

One part of me loves this independent, free, and mildly careless life. I mean shit… I’m free to travel, work, and enjoy life without any real commitments (And I kind of like that.)

Another part of me is craving some sort of purpose… some sort of mark to be left on this planet… a reason to be alive…

I guess right now I’m just hopeful that time/fate decides it for me (Because I apparently can’t decide 100% either way and it pisses me off).

If anyone gets to this point of the post… thank you for being here to read my thoughts. 🙂