The ledge I walk is a thin precipice, Of mental regressions and pure recklessness. One misstep and I fall into the direction, Of either extreme mania or depression.
Tag: Meh
Changes
I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.
If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.
To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉
Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.
I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.
I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…
I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.
-Hal
Inevitable
The feelings are inevitable coming quickly and without cause, destroying my self-worth while focusing on my flaws. The emptiness remains as they sabotage and consume, disintegrating my happiness so despair can be exhumed.
Chemicals
It's just a powder... White Pressed and covered in an enteric-coated shell... Altering my mind while chemically convincing me I'm well. Branded to fix all the dopamine and serotonin... In lieu of my over-indulgence of caffeine and melatonin. Side effects may include suicidal thoughts and/or actions... But misery also holds a certain level of attraction.
Where To Begin…
My emotions are erratic, and hard to understand... And my head overflows with ideas and unfulfilled plans. My perceptions are complicated and haphazardly skewed... With a reality warped and questionably construed... My memories are my past but somehow still in my present... And honestly in the morning I'm just fucking unpleasant. My mentality is borderline of being clinically insane... But truthfully my flaws make me never want to change.
Craving
Your rough exterior was so
sharp and sour to me.
Intense and unforgiving.
But as I let you sit on my tongue…
Slowly you melted away into
something so suddenly sweet.
Leaving me with a hunger
and only wanting more.
Originally posted 11/3/20
1/4 Life Crisis
So… I haven’t just written and vented for awhile.
Lately it’s been hitting me more and more that I need to make a decision with my life.
The decision being “kids”.
I keep questioning my purpose in the world. Am I really meant to procreate?
Or is being childless best for my mental and physical health?
Basically I’m having a fucking quarter-life crisis on the daily at this point and I’m terrified.
One part of me loves this independent, free, and mildly careless life. I mean shit… I’m free to travel, work, and enjoy life without any real commitments (And I kind of like that.)
Another part of me is craving some sort of purpose… some sort of mark to be left on this planet… a reason to be alive…
I guess right now I’m just hopeful that time/fate decides it for me (Because I apparently can’t decide 100% either way and it pisses me off).
If anyone gets to this point of the post… thank you for being here to read my thoughts. 🙂
$5.99
Metronome
My desire for you is a continuous rhythm pulsating within me... As steady and certain as a metronome.
Craving
Your rough exterior was so
sharp and sour to me.
Intense and unforgiving.
But as I let you sit on my tongue…
Slowly you melted away into
something so suddenly sweet.
Leaving me with a hunger
and only wanting more.
Anonymously Hal 
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