I’m Still Here

I fell asleep. I felt safe.

I was drinking. Fell asleep. On my couch. In my home. My husband went to bed. You were there. My husband’s coworker. Fucking watching. Fucking waiting.

I woke up. My pants pushed down. You were behind me. One arm around my neck. One arm around my chest. You were inside me. Thrusting. Sweating. Cussing.

Paralyzed in fear and pain. I knew what was wrong. I knew I should shout, scream, cry for help. But there was fear. And then it was over. You finished yourself off into me. Like a dirty rag. A tear rolled down my face.

Shock. Disbelief. I trusted you.

I was bleeding. I was hurting. I felt disgusting. I had become another statistic. You said it was fine. But it wasn’t fine.

For six months. I lived in silence. In fear. In guilt and embarrassment. Then I told you off. You told me you thought I wanted it. You told me you didn’t remember doing it. You said “sorry”.

You fucking lying bastard.

So I cut you out of my life. I picked up the pieces. I moved on. I learned. I grew. I became stronger. I spoke up. Now it’s been a year.

And I’m still fucking here.

*I published this last year and rereading this tonight I was struck by my own words. These are the most difficult, raw words I’ve ever written and I really wanted to share it once more. Those reading this who have also been sexually assaulted, please know you are not alone. ❤️🙌 It gets better.

57 thoughts on “I’m Still Here

  1. Powerful and harrowing words. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Nobody should do this to another human. I’m glad you find your voice and I hope he will see some ‘justice’ for his crime?

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well after I was able to tell people what had happened it was already six months later, so I knew the physical evidence was far gone.
        I’ve since been very vocal about him which has destroyed the majority of his friendships. His job is now awkward af for him with his coworkers hating him and I’ve let him know what he did to me emotionally and how much I hate him/what he did. I destroyed his social life.
        Now I’m’m at peace with it as much as I can be.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for writing this, it has rightly shocked me. It’s easy to slip into a bubble thinking that all criminals pay for their crimes which sadly isn’t true. I’m glad you’re reaching a place of peace and able to talk about this and raise awareness. Got to seek the positives somehow. 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome. Sometimes crimes are hard to prove, especially after time has passed. Looking back I probably would have done it different, but I’m content where I’m at right now too. 🙌 Thank you Tom ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh I barely know what to say, but I am so sorry that this awful thing happened to you. Being abused by those we trust is a terrible thing to have to deal with. I hope you have others there with you who help you.

    What happened should never happen, but it does, far too often. And too often the abuser never gets blamed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What happened was terrible and shouldn’t have happened… But I wouldn’t be who I am today without that happening.
      I am lucky to have a great support group, but not everyone does. And you’re very right, many get away with it.
      I just want to bring awareness and support to anyone that needs it. ❤️ Thank you for your words. 🙌❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m in utter silence & shock reading the perhaps strongest lines you’ve ever written, dearest Hal….My heart is pounding , hand is trembling, tears in my left eye….while I hit the keyboard of my phone with my right hand….When I’m getting such a feeling by reading your lines….I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling….how you must’ve felt….one thing I do know with certainity….is that today you stand upright on your ground….stronger than ever….mentally & physically….you’re unique with different & beautiful shades….your beautiful, artistic & amazing writings have always spoken to me….this one is bleeding the beats….it’s roaring the skies with intensity….it’s tearing the clouds crazily….it’s takes a lot to share this piece of yours ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Navin ❤️😭😭😭
      I wrote this when I had a whole seven people reading my stuff and it was the most important thing I’ve ever written… I’m very proud of myself and what I was able to write. Maybe I can shine some sort of light on the subject and bring support to someone else that doesn’t have it?
      Thank you for your words Navin. They really mean a lot.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m so glad you’re still here, Hal. You’re so strong and I admire that. Sharing that must have been tough, but you did it, and I hope it helped. I am here for you!! I’m so blessed to have met such a kind, talented blogger that is you! 🤗♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So strong of you to be able to share this. The sad realization that many share this same sentiment and can relate to this. It should not be that way, but this is what happens when society has failed over and over again to accept that we have been raising men with the wrong mindset since the beginning of time. I hope you’re making progress in your healing journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry you went through what you did. It’s never your fault, never your guilt or shame to bear. But you’re a survivor and that makes me so proud of you. I loved this extremely personal and disturbing piece of writing! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hal I am so so sorry you went through that. It’s like a nightmare leapt out of the page as I read it but actually you poor girl- you went through it. So glad you have survived to tell the story. You should have been safe and you weren’t kept safe. The horrid experience does not define you- you are going to bring hope to so many other women and nothing is going to silence you again.

    Liked by 1 person

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